Whoever invented Tinder must have thought, "These millennials have nothing better to do with their time than swipe left and right on their phones." He, or she.... who am I kidding, no woman in her right mind would have created this nonsense.... was not wrong. As a generation, we spend hours and hours on our phones looking at cat videos, reading about other people's drama, laughing at other people's drama, and pinning imaginary wedding decor for the wedding we'll probably never have. I have 10 different weddings planned, you know, just in case the first 9 don't work out.
As a single mom who works full time, and is going to school full time, I have zero time to go out into the "real world" and meet someone. How does that even work anyway? Just look at a person, hope that they're single and walk up to them and say something somewhat witty? Or is, "hello," an acceptable conversation starter these days? I wouldn't have the slightest idea how that works.
I've been single a lot more than I've been in a relationship. My longest relationship lasted not much longer than over a year. I was young and stupid, and the relationship ending was definitely my fault. Since we're into the hashtag thing, you could definitely sum that up as #biggestmistakeever or just #failboat. Since I'm not really into the whole crazy cat lady idea, I had to find something, anything to help me find a potential match to spend this crazy life with. Hell, at this point I'd settle for spending any time with.
So, like an idiot, I downloaded Tinder. It seemed simple enough. Swipe left for NO ABSOLUTELY NOT GET AWAY FROM ME, and swipe right for I'D SETTLE FOR THAT. Oh wait, that's not what those mean? My bad.
Setting up my profile, I think to myself, "crap all I have in my phone are selfies... these guys are going to think I have no friends." They would be wrong in the fact that I HAVE friends, I just don't have a life outside of work and my kid so I have slim pickings when it comes to pictures of me and said friends. I could use pictures of me and my friends, but I don't look like I did in the pictures anymore and I don't want to be accused of "cat fishing." Or maybe I do.... it could be entertaining, to say the least.
After I decide on the few pictures where I look cute, but not like I am trying too hard, I have to come up with a blurb about myself. This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to write. What do you say about yourself? "Single mom with no life looking to add single man to equation." No... that wouldn't work. "I literally have no time for a relationship, I just don't want to end up crazy and alone with 20 cats." Probably shouldn't go with that one either. "Fun, outgoing girl who loves to travel! I read books in my free time, and love to spend time in the outdoors whenever possible. Let's meet up for coffee." That sounds perfect! Not at all exaggerated, and I DEFINITELY drink coffee..... okay so that part may be a lie. But it's the internet, I can be anything I want to be, right?
I've got my pictures and my extremely accurate blurb set up. Now I'm good to go! Swiping to commence in three.... two.... one.... go!
First profile.... tons of pictures with other people. I have no idea which guy it is that I'm swiping for! Let's hope he's the cute one..... swipe right! *Closes eyes in anticipation* Nothing happened. Well, on to the next!
Second profile.... picture of man and woman... maybe it's his sister? *Scroll through rest of pictures* Hmm.... maybe he REALLY likes his sister? *Reads profile* "Committed couple looking to spice up relationship. 420 friendly. Looking for girl to add to the mix." Oh my gosh, I think I literally just threw up a little in my mouth. Swipe left.
Third profile.... Missing teeth. Swipe left.
Fourth profile.... Shirtless picture at the gym. Nice to look at, however I'm pretty sure you're only holding a 5lb dumbbell. Swipe left.
So far this is starting out to be extremely successful. Said no one ever. Nonetheless, I am committed to giving this a fair shot. Follow me through my crazy Tindering and online dating adventures. There will surely be laughs, likely at my expense.
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