Can we just be real for a second? Or, just always would be preferred. As a single friend, I cannot tell you enough how much I absolutely HATE when people tell me how they can't believe that I'm single. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that I am the "perfect catch," I'd be a millionaire, and could buy new friends who don't tell me completely USELESS things. Telling me how you are baffled by the fact that I'm single, or can't find the right guy, or how you can't believe I'm not married with more kids by now, does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for my dating game. Nothing whatsoever. So unless you are planning on being that person that dates me, because I'm "so perfect," keep that opinion to yourself. If I knew why I'm single, I probably wouldn't be single. Right? That's how it works. If you knew, you'd be able to fix it. If you could tell me the answer, instead of telling me how it doesn't make sense to you, that'd be a step in the right direction.
If we're being honest, which since I'm on here airing my dirty laundry to everyone, I may as well be... I'm probably single because I'm too damn picky. But what's wrong with being picky? There is a quote that I've seen floating around this crazy world wide web we seem to have gotten so addicted to, that says, "I know what I bring to to the table, so trust me when I say I'm not afraid to eat alone." That's how I sum things up, when people ask me that annoying question. It's like when married couples literally just get back from their honeymoon, and they are already being bombarded with questions about when they are going to have a baby! Let us breathe, people! We all can't be perfectly happy, in love, in a long-term marriage with the perfect angel children who never do anything wrong, ever.... ever. Oh wait, that's not you? That's what I thought! Let us live our lives!
Truly, honestly, though, I just don't want to settle. If I have to go through all this crazy, hair pulling online dating, or just dating in general, stuff, I may as well get to choose someone who fills all the check boxes. And yes, there is a checklist. It's a flexible list. Someone I meet could come with 9 out of 10, but they bring 11, 12 and 13 to the table, I could probably forgive the one that they didn't have from the original list. Hell, at this point, I'd take 6/10. And yes I realize that's contradicting my statement about not being afraid to eat alone. But, 6/10 is a starting point...
So as I sit at home, bored out of my skull that I have nothing else to do, I swipe. And swipe, and swipe some more. Occasionally I like to take risks, and will swipe right even if I'm not super attracted to the guy, or at all impressed by what he put in his blurb about himself, just to see if they would swipe right for me. It's like an ego boost, sometimes. I say sometimes, because if it doesn't happen, it's quite the opposite. Especially if it's not someone I would normally swipe right for in the first place. Like, hello!? What's wrong with ME? Why didn't you swipe right? I like to pretend that maybe they just assume that I was way too good for them, and just swiped left to avoid the embarrassment of not matching with me. Yeah, that's what we'll go with.
Then there is the awkward "silence." What silence you ask? How can there be silence in an online dating app? Oh there is... trust me, there sure is. The silence I speak of, is that awkward moment when you actually match with someone. The screen gets all flashy and your pictures match all together, and it's like "You've matched!" It asks you immediately if you'd like to message this person, or keep swiping. Well... I don't want to look too eager, or desperate... so I don't message them right away. That's too forward, and can scare some men away. I've been told this, at least. Too much confidence sends guys running the other direction. So.... I choose to keep swiping. And I'm going, going, going.... and going and swiping left over and over and over, and then finally there's another potential. I swipe right! Ooooooh yay we matched too! Message them? Nope... not this one either. I'll just wait it out. So I keep swiping, and the process repeats itself for quite some time, until I get really depressed with the fact that there are so many non-eligible bachelors out there in the world. And by world, I mean within a 30 mile radius of my current location.
But seriously, let's take a moment before I explain the rest of the silence thing, to talk about why someone is a non-eligible bachelor in my book. I'm going to pull out my phone now while I type this, so we have the most current, up-to-date list of non-eligible bachelors.
Jordan, 28. (I've decided to use their real first names, if they even are their real first names, because... well... there's no anonymity in the online dating world and there are a billion Jordans in the world, as it is. I think their privacy is in tact.) Shirtless picture in bed, one hand running through his hair. Wait... is that a hospital band on his arm? Sure is... and an EKG monitor on his chest.... interesting choice of online dating picture. Especially as his main picture. Nonetheless, I'm going to see what more Jordan has in store for us. Picture of a bunch of people tubing.... perhaps I can spot him in the picture? Not really. Picture 3, him on the basketball court with two older dudes. I have no idea who these people are. Picture 4, throwing a frisbee for a dog. I'm not assuming at this point that it's his dog. Can't see his face. Picture 5, man hunched over on the ground looking at something interesting, but there is a black bar hiding his face. What's with this guy? Last picture, creepy... a very very close up picture of seemingly his eyeball. And we haven't even gotten to the good part yet, his blurb. And I quote, "Really into pizza and weed lol but not necessarily together. Let's go on an adventure!" Great first impression, Jordan. Swipe left.
Next we have Brian, 28. Really, really ridiculously long beard. Like.... really long. Lots of photos of him with beard. Blurb.... really boring and too much to even type out. Swipe left.
And then we have Gev, also 28. Lots of pictures of himself doing outdoorsy things. Doing a handstand. With a dog. Men must think we are suckers for dogs, or something. What if I'm a cat person? Blurb, "Let's meet up and do fun stuff. I am open minded. I enjoy most things... Hiking, yoga, sports, interesting ideas and conversations, exploring new places... It's all about making the most out of life." Sorry buddy, that was the most vague, politician sounding answer I've ever heard. Swipe left.
Phew, this is exhausting.
Okay, back to the silence thing. Trust me, I didn't forget. So it's been a bit, I've matched with a few people. But there's just silence. No message from them, I still haven't been gutsy enough to message them first.... so they just sit in another section of the app, "My Matches," or something catchy like that... and they do nothing. Tinder is really witty, though. So if you open one of your matches it takes you to the conversation window or chat history whatever you want to call it. I'm sure there is a technical term. Or maybe there isn't, it is Tinder, after all. It says, "You matched with <insert name here> ___ minutes ago.> Don't leave it blank." That's one witty thing. And then there's, "You matched with <insert name here> 2 hours ago. Say something witty!" And so on, and so forth. Encouraging you to make the first move. But what happens when you make the first move, you ask? As the female? NOTHING! Because, either you suck at writing first messages (GUILTY AS CHARGED), or....... they get scared that the girl is gutsy enough to send the first message and faint and then never check their phone again. Maybe they hit their head on the way to the ground while they fainted and got amnesia and forgot that a pretty girl messaged them. Hey, it's possible.... Not that I wish harm on anyone, by any means.
Silence, silence.... and more silence. What do these people think is going to happen magically? That after all the silence we're somehow going to have this magical connection, meet up for a date and live happily ever after? With zero communication whatsoever!? If so... I've been doing this whole dating thing wrong! Okay, I clearly have been since I'm still single... but still. I don't get it! If you're on a dating app, and you clearly are active since we matched.... do you just swipe left and right for shits and giggles? Just because you want to see who swiped for you? If so, you're dumb... and I know the reason why you're single. Just not why I am. Or maybe this post has answered that.... the fish in the sea are VERY VERY LIMITED. So when someone breaks up with someone, don't give them that BS answer of "there are plenty more fish in the sea." You're wrong, the sea dried up from the poor quality of fish.
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Monday, July 24, 2017
Ghosting: noun; the act of ending a relationship as if you didn't exist at all
A term I have become very familiar with in the online dating world, and rather quickly I may add, is "ghosting." Apparently it's okay to just simply disappear after building a meaningful, romantic, beautiful connection with someone online. I am exaggerating, obviously, but what happened to simple decency? "I'm just not that into you," would be fine. Or, "Hey, it was nice talking with you but I met someone else and I am going to explore that relationship further." Okay, that's probably asking a little too much, this is the online dating community after all. However, I've made a vow (that seems way too serious of a word) to not do this to someone else, because it SUCKS. Case in point this next story.
I believe his name was Ben, it's been a little bit of time now so I have tried to forget his name. Ben, who, if we're being honest here, probably isn't actually named Ben, was a nice, decent looking guy who lived about an hour or so from me. I must have had my search parameters set further than just closely at the time. Likely, because I lived, at the time, in a small town where let's face it, there are not a lot of fish to choose from. Ben had just purchased a home, was renovating it himself, and had a lot of pictures of himself doing said renovation. A man who doesn't mind doing hard labor is a win in my book. He had blonde hair, and blue eyes. He was very fit, especially more so now that he was doing all this work in his new house. He had a gorgeous dog, a huge bag patio and a yard for the dog to roam. Why is this important? Well, it just is. Girls, no matter how hard we try, can't help but picture the future. This house, this man, this dog.... it all fit into the perfect picture of what life could be like. And he agreed, as you'll come to learn shortly.
At this point, I can't remember who sent the first message, or what the first message even said. However, it really doesn't add or detract from this story. We started talking, and quickly began talking ALL. THE. TIME. This will be one of my biggest frustrations as the story progresses. So Ben, he seems smart, works at a big company in the town he lives in, has a seemingly high up, well paying job. This is also important in the fantasy world that happens in my brain when meeting new potentials. I believe he did IT work, or something like that. Stability is what my brain lumped it into.
After talking for days and days, our ALL DAY LONG conversations turned into talking for weeks and weeks. All the while, we are sharing pictures of what I think he could do with the house. He had said he wanted a woman's touch, or a woman's perspective because ultimately he wanted to have a family, etc. He started "joking" about how he didn't need to date anymore because he was pretty sure I was perfect, and started lovingly referring to me as "future wifey." Red flag? Probably. However, I couldn't help think it was cute. Hindsight, I should have ran for the hills.
We finally set up our first date, which seemed to take forever because of our busy lives. I wanted something in public of course, because I am not about to be the next story on Dateline. I could picture it, too. "Girl goes out on date with potential future husband, ends up in swamp dismantled." Because, I don't do things without a slight amount of exaggeration. I chose a movie theater that was near his house, I didn't mind making the drive up there. Small town vs. big town is going to win most of the time when it comes to date activities. Especially if I'm avoiding the swamp. So I picked a movie for us to watch, because he said he didn't care what it was. As long as it wasn't some sappy chick flick. The theater I chose is one that serves you food and drinks, has the more comfortable chairs, and just makes for a much nicer first date than a crappy movie theater chair where I'm trying to get comfortable the entire time. It also happened to be next to a bowling alley that had arcade games and a bar, so we could easily go there after the movie. In my head, it was going to be PERFECT. He even said so himself.
Because I'm a little crazy, and also watch too much Criminal Minds, I did a little background checking before our first date. Again, this no swamp thing. He had sent me the address to his house at one point, so that I could see the details of the house online on Zillow. I used my connections, AKA a friend, and confirmed that the man I'd been talking to was, in fact, the listed owner of the home. That put my mind at ease, and I was so excited for our first date that I bought a new outfit, picked up some of my favorite makeup at Ulta, and made sure to do my hair "extra cute." I told a friend where I was going, the time the movie was supposed to start, etc.
At this point, we were talking all day long. I usually woke up to a text message from him (on his "real" phone number, not just in the Tinder app) that said "good morning future wifey," or something ridiculously sweet and now, vomit worthy. When I woke up, I didn't have any message from him, but didn't think anything of it. Maybe he got to sleep in. As the day went on, I hadn't heard from him, at all, even after sending a good morning text message of my own. Finally, I heard from him and he told me that he'd gotten called into work in the middle of the night for some IT emergency. I think. He hadn't slept yet since then, but he assured me that we were still on for the evening. I, being the sweet girl that I am, decided that I would offer to reschedule if needed because I didn't want him falling asleep at the movies on our first date. He insisted that it would be okay, and that he'd try to take a nap beforehand. Problem solved.
Later that day, he text me and said that he wasn't able to get a nap in, so he wanted to see if I'd like to just come to his house instead, rent a movie, and he'd cook us dinner. I said no. I insisted that it was okay if he just take the evening to rest, because what kind of girl would I be if I didn't say that? I promised that I'd come up the next night instead, after a volunteer event I had in the afternoon. He agreed, and it seemed like we had a solid plan in place to make up for the failed first date attempt.
The next morning, I was off bright and early to the volunteer event. I sent him a good morning text message, kept him updated throughout the day of how the event was going, and reminded him how excited I was to go out with him that night. After the event was done, I realized I hadn't heard from him at all that day. Trying not to overthink it, I sent him a message letting him know that I was heading home from the event to shower and get ready, and my plan was to head up to him as soon as I was done.
I got home, showered, started getting ready and I still hadn't heard from him. So I called. I was honestly worried about him. My brain tends to go to the worst possible scenario. Maybe he got in a car accident, maybe he's deathly ill. Maybe he had a heart attack because I'm just so pretty and he couldn't believe he was getting a girl like me to go out on a date with him. Hey, you never know, it could happen. He didn't answer. But, stupidly, I kept getting ready. I kept pretending that it was all going to work out and that his phone must just be charging or something and he didn't see it. When I was done getting ready, I called again. No answer. So I sent him a text message asking if everything was okay, maybe something had come up with work again.
Nothing. No response. He had turned into a ghost. After a few days of not hearing from him, still, I sent him a not so nice text message explaining how ridiculous it was that he was just simply ignoring me. At least have the courtesy to explain yourself. I said something along the lines of, "I'm not that girl. I'm not going to beg you to answer the phone, or send you a message a million times and not take a hint." I was pissed. And hurt, and confused. Moral of the story, don't date online because people can just disappear as if they were never there at all. No matter if they called you their future wife or not. Alas, I continue to online date. Maybe it's just so I can share these horror stories with you. Maybe it's just because I need something to laugh about. Or maybe it's because I'm delusional and think it could actually work. More to come.
P.S. Don't ghost people. Seriously.
I believe his name was Ben, it's been a little bit of time now so I have tried to forget his name. Ben, who, if we're being honest here, probably isn't actually named Ben, was a nice, decent looking guy who lived about an hour or so from me. I must have had my search parameters set further than just closely at the time. Likely, because I lived, at the time, in a small town where let's face it, there are not a lot of fish to choose from. Ben had just purchased a home, was renovating it himself, and had a lot of pictures of himself doing said renovation. A man who doesn't mind doing hard labor is a win in my book. He had blonde hair, and blue eyes. He was very fit, especially more so now that he was doing all this work in his new house. He had a gorgeous dog, a huge bag patio and a yard for the dog to roam. Why is this important? Well, it just is. Girls, no matter how hard we try, can't help but picture the future. This house, this man, this dog.... it all fit into the perfect picture of what life could be like. And he agreed, as you'll come to learn shortly.
At this point, I can't remember who sent the first message, or what the first message even said. However, it really doesn't add or detract from this story. We started talking, and quickly began talking ALL. THE. TIME. This will be one of my biggest frustrations as the story progresses. So Ben, he seems smart, works at a big company in the town he lives in, has a seemingly high up, well paying job. This is also important in the fantasy world that happens in my brain when meeting new potentials. I believe he did IT work, or something like that. Stability is what my brain lumped it into.
After talking for days and days, our ALL DAY LONG conversations turned into talking for weeks and weeks. All the while, we are sharing pictures of what I think he could do with the house. He had said he wanted a woman's touch, or a woman's perspective because ultimately he wanted to have a family, etc. He started "joking" about how he didn't need to date anymore because he was pretty sure I was perfect, and started lovingly referring to me as "future wifey." Red flag? Probably. However, I couldn't help think it was cute. Hindsight, I should have ran for the hills.
We finally set up our first date, which seemed to take forever because of our busy lives. I wanted something in public of course, because I am not about to be the next story on Dateline. I could picture it, too. "Girl goes out on date with potential future husband, ends up in swamp dismantled." Because, I don't do things without a slight amount of exaggeration. I chose a movie theater that was near his house, I didn't mind making the drive up there. Small town vs. big town is going to win most of the time when it comes to date activities. Especially if I'm avoiding the swamp. So I picked a movie for us to watch, because he said he didn't care what it was. As long as it wasn't some sappy chick flick. The theater I chose is one that serves you food and drinks, has the more comfortable chairs, and just makes for a much nicer first date than a crappy movie theater chair where I'm trying to get comfortable the entire time. It also happened to be next to a bowling alley that had arcade games and a bar, so we could easily go there after the movie. In my head, it was going to be PERFECT. He even said so himself.
Because I'm a little crazy, and also watch too much Criminal Minds, I did a little background checking before our first date. Again, this no swamp thing. He had sent me the address to his house at one point, so that I could see the details of the house online on Zillow. I used my connections, AKA a friend, and confirmed that the man I'd been talking to was, in fact, the listed owner of the home. That put my mind at ease, and I was so excited for our first date that I bought a new outfit, picked up some of my favorite makeup at Ulta, and made sure to do my hair "extra cute." I told a friend where I was going, the time the movie was supposed to start, etc.
At this point, we were talking all day long. I usually woke up to a text message from him (on his "real" phone number, not just in the Tinder app) that said "good morning future wifey," or something ridiculously sweet and now, vomit worthy. When I woke up, I didn't have any message from him, but didn't think anything of it. Maybe he got to sleep in. As the day went on, I hadn't heard from him, at all, even after sending a good morning text message of my own. Finally, I heard from him and he told me that he'd gotten called into work in the middle of the night for some IT emergency. I think. He hadn't slept yet since then, but he assured me that we were still on for the evening. I, being the sweet girl that I am, decided that I would offer to reschedule if needed because I didn't want him falling asleep at the movies on our first date. He insisted that it would be okay, and that he'd try to take a nap beforehand. Problem solved.
Later that day, he text me and said that he wasn't able to get a nap in, so he wanted to see if I'd like to just come to his house instead, rent a movie, and he'd cook us dinner. I said no. I insisted that it was okay if he just take the evening to rest, because what kind of girl would I be if I didn't say that? I promised that I'd come up the next night instead, after a volunteer event I had in the afternoon. He agreed, and it seemed like we had a solid plan in place to make up for the failed first date attempt.
The next morning, I was off bright and early to the volunteer event. I sent him a good morning text message, kept him updated throughout the day of how the event was going, and reminded him how excited I was to go out with him that night. After the event was done, I realized I hadn't heard from him at all that day. Trying not to overthink it, I sent him a message letting him know that I was heading home from the event to shower and get ready, and my plan was to head up to him as soon as I was done.
I got home, showered, started getting ready and I still hadn't heard from him. So I called. I was honestly worried about him. My brain tends to go to the worst possible scenario. Maybe he got in a car accident, maybe he's deathly ill. Maybe he had a heart attack because I'm just so pretty and he couldn't believe he was getting a girl like me to go out on a date with him. Hey, you never know, it could happen. He didn't answer. But, stupidly, I kept getting ready. I kept pretending that it was all going to work out and that his phone must just be charging or something and he didn't see it. When I was done getting ready, I called again. No answer. So I sent him a text message asking if everything was okay, maybe something had come up with work again.
Nothing. No response. He had turned into a ghost. After a few days of not hearing from him, still, I sent him a not so nice text message explaining how ridiculous it was that he was just simply ignoring me. At least have the courtesy to explain yourself. I said something along the lines of, "I'm not that girl. I'm not going to beg you to answer the phone, or send you a message a million times and not take a hint." I was pissed. And hurt, and confused. Moral of the story, don't date online because people can just disappear as if they were never there at all. No matter if they called you their future wife or not. Alas, I continue to online date. Maybe it's just so I can share these horror stories with you. Maybe it's just because I need something to laugh about. Or maybe it's because I'm delusional and think it could actually work. More to come.
P.S. Don't ghost people. Seriously.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Tindering: verb; to swipe left constantly
Whoever invented Tinder must have thought, "These millennials have nothing better to do with their time than swipe left and right on their phones." He, or she.... who am I kidding, no woman in her right mind would have created this nonsense.... was not wrong. As a generation, we spend hours and hours on our phones looking at cat videos, reading about other people's drama, laughing at other people's drama, and pinning imaginary wedding decor for the wedding we'll probably never have. I have 10 different weddings planned, you know, just in case the first 9 don't work out.
As a single mom who works full time, and is going to school full time, I have zero time to go out into the "real world" and meet someone. How does that even work anyway? Just look at a person, hope that they're single and walk up to them and say something somewhat witty? Or is, "hello," an acceptable conversation starter these days? I wouldn't have the slightest idea how that works.
I've been single a lot more than I've been in a relationship. My longest relationship lasted not much longer than over a year. I was young and stupid, and the relationship ending was definitely my fault. Since we're into the hashtag thing, you could definitely sum that up as #biggestmistakeever or just #failboat. Since I'm not really into the whole crazy cat lady idea, I had to find something, anything to help me find a potential match to spend this crazy life with. Hell, at this point I'd settle for spending any time with.
So, like an idiot, I downloaded Tinder. It seemed simple enough. Swipe left for NO ABSOLUTELY NOT GET AWAY FROM ME, and swipe right for I'D SETTLE FOR THAT. Oh wait, that's not what those mean? My bad.
Setting up my profile, I think to myself, "crap all I have in my phone are selfies... these guys are going to think I have no friends." They would be wrong in the fact that I HAVE friends, I just don't have a life outside of work and my kid so I have slim pickings when it comes to pictures of me and said friends. I could use pictures of me and my friends, but I don't look like I did in the pictures anymore and I don't want to be accused of "cat fishing." Or maybe I do.... it could be entertaining, to say the least.
After I decide on the few pictures where I look cute, but not like I am trying too hard, I have to come up with a blurb about myself. This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to write. What do you say about yourself? "Single mom with no life looking to add single man to equation." No... that wouldn't work. "I literally have no time for a relationship, I just don't want to end up crazy and alone with 20 cats." Probably shouldn't go with that one either. "Fun, outgoing girl who loves to travel! I read books in my free time, and love to spend time in the outdoors whenever possible. Let's meet up for coffee." That sounds perfect! Not at all exaggerated, and I DEFINITELY drink coffee..... okay so that part may be a lie. But it's the internet, I can be anything I want to be, right?
I've got my pictures and my extremely accurate blurb set up. Now I'm good to go! Swiping to commence in three.... two.... one.... go!
First profile.... tons of pictures with other people. I have no idea which guy it is that I'm swiping for! Let's hope he's the cute one..... swipe right! *Closes eyes in anticipation* Nothing happened. Well, on to the next!
Second profile.... picture of man and woman... maybe it's his sister? *Scroll through rest of pictures* Hmm.... maybe he REALLY likes his sister? *Reads profile* "Committed couple looking to spice up relationship. 420 friendly. Looking for girl to add to the mix." Oh my gosh, I think I literally just threw up a little in my mouth. Swipe left.
Third profile.... Missing teeth. Swipe left.
Fourth profile.... Shirtless picture at the gym. Nice to look at, however I'm pretty sure you're only holding a 5lb dumbbell. Swipe left.
So far this is starting out to be extremely successful. Said no one ever. Nonetheless, I am committed to giving this a fair shot. Follow me through my crazy Tindering and online dating adventures. There will surely be laughs, likely at my expense.
As a single mom who works full time, and is going to school full time, I have zero time to go out into the "real world" and meet someone. How does that even work anyway? Just look at a person, hope that they're single and walk up to them and say something somewhat witty? Or is, "hello," an acceptable conversation starter these days? I wouldn't have the slightest idea how that works.
I've been single a lot more than I've been in a relationship. My longest relationship lasted not much longer than over a year. I was young and stupid, and the relationship ending was definitely my fault. Since we're into the hashtag thing, you could definitely sum that up as #biggestmistakeever or just #failboat. Since I'm not really into the whole crazy cat lady idea, I had to find something, anything to help me find a potential match to spend this crazy life with. Hell, at this point I'd settle for spending any time with.
So, like an idiot, I downloaded Tinder. It seemed simple enough. Swipe left for NO ABSOLUTELY NOT GET AWAY FROM ME, and swipe right for I'D SETTLE FOR THAT. Oh wait, that's not what those mean? My bad.
Setting up my profile, I think to myself, "crap all I have in my phone are selfies... these guys are going to think I have no friends." They would be wrong in the fact that I HAVE friends, I just don't have a life outside of work and my kid so I have slim pickings when it comes to pictures of me and said friends. I could use pictures of me and my friends, but I don't look like I did in the pictures anymore and I don't want to be accused of "cat fishing." Or maybe I do.... it could be entertaining, to say the least.
After I decide on the few pictures where I look cute, but not like I am trying too hard, I have to come up with a blurb about myself. This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to write. What do you say about yourself? "Single mom with no life looking to add single man to equation." No... that wouldn't work. "I literally have no time for a relationship, I just don't want to end up crazy and alone with 20 cats." Probably shouldn't go with that one either. "Fun, outgoing girl who loves to travel! I read books in my free time, and love to spend time in the outdoors whenever possible. Let's meet up for coffee." That sounds perfect! Not at all exaggerated, and I DEFINITELY drink coffee..... okay so that part may be a lie. But it's the internet, I can be anything I want to be, right?
I've got my pictures and my extremely accurate blurb set up. Now I'm good to go! Swiping to commence in three.... two.... one.... go!
First profile.... tons of pictures with other people. I have no idea which guy it is that I'm swiping for! Let's hope he's the cute one..... swipe right! *Closes eyes in anticipation* Nothing happened. Well, on to the next!
Second profile.... picture of man and woman... maybe it's his sister? *Scroll through rest of pictures* Hmm.... maybe he REALLY likes his sister? *Reads profile* "Committed couple looking to spice up relationship. 420 friendly. Looking for girl to add to the mix." Oh my gosh, I think I literally just threw up a little in my mouth. Swipe left.
Third profile.... Missing teeth. Swipe left.
Fourth profile.... Shirtless picture at the gym. Nice to look at, however I'm pretty sure you're only holding a 5lb dumbbell. Swipe left.
So far this is starting out to be extremely successful. Said no one ever. Nonetheless, I am committed to giving this a fair shot. Follow me through my crazy Tindering and online dating adventures. There will surely be laughs, likely at my expense.
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